Introduction
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how you respond during disagreements can make a significant difference in the outcome. While it’s tempting to defend yourself when you feel misunderstood or criticised, defensiveness often escalates tension and prevents resolution. Validation, on the other hand, creates a foundation of empathy and mutual respect, allowing both partners to feel heard and valued.
This article explores why defensiveness is counterproductive, the benefits of validation in conflict resolution, and practical strategies to adopt a more validating approach during disagreements.
Why Do People Default to Defensiveness?
The Instinct to Protect Yourself
Defensiveness is often a knee-jerk reaction to perceived criticism or attack. It’s a way of protecting yourself from feelings of blame, guilt, or inadequacy.
Example: If your partner says, “You never listen to me,” you might immediately respond, “That’s not true—I always listen!”
Fear of Being Misunderstood
When you feel your intentions are misinterpreted, defensiveness can stem from a desire to clarify your point of view.
Example: If she accuses you of being distant, you might respond with, “I’ve been stressed at work—what else do you expect?”
Emotional Triggers
Past experiences or unresolved insecurities can make certain topics feel more personal or threatening, leading to defensive reactions.
The Downside of Defensiveness in Conflict
Shuts Down Productive Communication
Defensiveness shifts the focus from addressing the issue to justifying your actions, which can derail the conversation and leave the underlying problem unresolved.
Invalidates Your Partner’s Feelings
When you respond defensively, it can make your partner feel dismissed or unheard, worsening the conflict.
Example: Responding with, “You’re overreacting,” can escalate her frustration and create emotional distance.
Creates a Cycle of Conflict
Defensiveness often leads to more criticism or frustration from your partner, resulting in a cycle where both sides feel attacked and misunderstood.
What is Validation and Why Does It Work?
Validation Acknowledges Emotions
Validation involves recognising and affirming your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective.
Example: “I understand why you’re upset. I’d feel the same way in your position.”
Validation Reduces Emotional Defensiveness
When your partner feels heard and understood, they’re less likely to escalate the conflict or become defensive themselves.
Validation Builds Trust and Emotional Safety
By validating your partner’s feelings, you create an environment where they feel respected and valued, strengthening your bond.
How to Use Validation in Conflict
Step 1: Listen Actively
Focus on what your partner is saying without interrupting or preparing your response.
- Make Eye Contact: Show that you’re fully engaged.
- Use Non-Verbal Cues: Nodding or maintaining an open posture signals that you’re listening.
Step 2: Acknowledge Her Feelings
Recognising her emotions, even if you don’t agree with the specifics, helps her feel understood.
Example: “I can see why that situation made you feel frustrated.”
Step 3: Reflect and Paraphrase
Repeat back what you’ve heard in your own words to confirm your understanding.
Example: “So, you’re upset because you felt I didn’t prioritise our plans. Is that right?”
Step 4: Avoid Minimising or Dismissing
Steer clear of statements like, “It’s not that big of a deal” or “You’re making this worse than it is.” These phrases invalidate her feelings and can escalate tension.
Step 5: Validate Without Agreeing to Blame
Validation doesn’t mean accepting blame—it’s about acknowledging her perspective.
Example: “I understand why you feel this way. Let’s figure out how we can address it together.”
Examples of Validation vs. Defensiveness
Scenario: She Says, “You Never Spend Time With Me.”
- Defensiveness: “That’s not true—I spent the whole weekend with you!”
- Validation: “I can see how it feels that way. I didn’t realise you needed more time together. Let’s talk about how we can fix this.”
Scenario: She Says, “You Don’t Care About My Opinions.”
- Defensiveness: “Of course I care about your opinions—you’re being ridiculous.”
- Validation: “I’m sorry it came across that way. Your opinions mean a lot to me, and I want to make sure you feel heard.”
Benefits of Choosing Validation Over Defensiveness
De-escalates Tension
Validation calms the emotional intensity of the conflict, making it easier to have a productive conversation.
Encourages Problem-Solving
When both partners feel understood, they’re more likely to collaborate on finding solutions rather than focusing on blame.
Strengthens Emotional Intimacy
Acknowledging and respecting each other’s feelings builds trust and deepens your connection.
Prevents Recurring Conflicts
Validation addresses the root of the issue, reducing the likelihood of the same argument resurfacing.
Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them
Struggling to Validate When You Feel Attacked
It can be difficult to validate your partner’s feelings when you feel criticised. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that validation isn’t the same as admitting fault.
Balancing Validation and Assertiveness
Validation doesn’t mean ignoring your own feelings. Once you’ve acknowledged her perspective, calmly share your own.
Example: “I understand why you’re upset about my late work hours. I also want to explain that I’ve been under pressure with deadlines, but I’ll try to manage my time better.”
Avoiding Empty Validation
Validation should be genuine and specific. Generic phrases like “I get it” or “I understand” without further elaboration can feel dismissive.
How to Encourage Validation in Your Partner
Model the Behaviour
When you use validation consistently, it sets an example and encourages her to respond similarly during conflicts.
Share How It Helps You
Explain how validation makes you feel supported and more willing to engage constructively.
Example: “It really helps me feel understood when you acknowledge my perspective before we discuss solutions.”
Suggest Mutual Communication Strategies
Propose strategies like active listening or “I” statements as tools for both of you to improve communication.
Conclusion
Validation is a powerful tool that can transform the way you handle conflict in your relationship. While defensiveness often escalates tension and creates distance, validation fosters understanding, trust, and emotional safety.
By focusing on your partner’s feelings, listening actively, and responding empathetically, you create a dynamic where conflicts become opportunities for growth rather than sources of division. Choosing validation over defensiveness not only strengthens your bond but also sets the foundation for a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.
References
- Defensiveness vs Validation – Tapestry Associates
- Validation: The Most Powerful Relationship Skill You Were Never Taught – Michael S. Sorensen
- What Is Defensiveness? – Very Well Mind
- Decreasing Defensiveness in Conflicts – Be Known Therapy
